None of it perfect

I have learned so much from this last week of auditioning.  Everything is swirling round and round in my head.  My heart is sad because of the rejections, but, I still have hope for the other letters to come. Already, my friends are getting letters of rejection and acceptance, and, it makes me confused, jealous…but also so happy for them.  This is what they wanted, as much as I wanted mine.  It’s so important.  It’s important to all of us.  I’ve also come to the realization that I’m not even sure if I want to go to school again. If I get an acceptance from any of these schools, do I even want to go?  Do I want to subject myself to thousands more dollars in loans, contracting myself to a school that comes with a bunch of classes, lessons, and other obligations?  What if I just work, practice, and take lessons?  I mean, I know 100 people who are doing it right now.

A part of me just wants to pick a city, move to it, and start gigging, studying, and taking lessons with different people.  Maybe get some stupid job, doing something useless to me, and then practicing as much as possible, until something comes along, or I can piece together a living.

However, a part of me doesn’t want to look like a big loser.  Although, I don’t think anyone who is doing that is a loser, but, I’m most afraid what my family will think.  Like I’m throwing away a career teaching so that I can be this lame starving artist.

My family isn’t really the starving artist type. lol

But, I just wonder what the right thing for me is, right now. I mean, when I was like, 16 THIS WAS NOT the life I thought I would have.  I mean, I thought I would be a band director right now.  lol.  Teaching high school music, and living in suburbia.  My dreams have changed.  And yes, I acknowlege that everyone’s dreams change, and yes, I acknowlege that my dreams changed because I changed, but, I still thought, that my life would be different, and I don’t know why.  I guess I thought I was different. Special or something….. lol, such is the life of an only child, perhaps.

But, my head is full of options.  I have all these optimistic, if not entirely ideal roads to take.  None of them perfect, but, none of them horrible.

I await my fate from each school, and like many before me, and many more after me, I will take control of my life eventually. In the meantime, I’m going to try to catch up on some classes, and get ready for my recital.  🙂

BTW:  Thanks to my regular family, my baltimore family, and my twitter family for all the support, guidance, and love you have all given me.  I couldn’t have lived through these last three months without you.  ❤


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4 thoughts on “None of it perfect

  1. Whatever you do, don’t give up. Dreams are precious things. An anonymous old man telling you that may carry little weight, but I can only say what I can say… And that’s that you may have more passion now than you’ll ever have, and you’ll hopefully have plenty of chances to abandon your dreams in the future. For now, grab on with both hands and do whatever it takes.

    Btw, I never really did that… Grabbed on with both hands and did whatever it took… Many people haven’t… But those who didn’t and, looking back, wish they did, have so very much more respect for those who do. Or something like that. 😉

  2. Hey, I bumped into your blog and have been hopping down the audition trail with you, and I can only echo the above. Those of us in the arts don’t quite fit the one-size-fits-all template our culture says is normal, i.e, be “productive” and make money. At the end of the day, it’s harder for us to explain exactly what we did and what we have to show for it. We’ve been practicing the same phrase all day and still haven’t nailed it, or we’ve been sitting and thinking–just trying to figure out the next plot twist for our novel, etc. That is the way art happens and it’s hard to explain or justify it to the left-brained world.

    Anyway, we’re conditioned to think if we work hard & push, push, push, we will “win.” If we don’t “win”, we decide we really aren’t as talented as the guy who did. But the truth is that while rejection HURTS, it is absolutely 100% part of the “normal” process. Rejection is part of the Mapquest directions to your dream–if you’re not regularly passing signs that say “Rejection”, then you are not really putting yourself out there on the right road at all.

    Rejection is avoidable, but only by deciding you aren’t going to make the trip at all. Lots of people make that decision, which is the good news for the rest of us that pick ourselves up, wash off the blood and dirt, and keep going. It’s ALL about hanging on, and not measuring ourselves and our success by our culture’s yardstick. Like the old poem about the pioneers says, “The cowards never started and the weak died along the way.”

    Hurray for you for putting yourself out there! Hurray for you for applying “Big” & not just playing it safe! Hurray for you for taking those auditions & not passing out! Hurray for you for the extreme courage to honestly post your downs as well as your ups! Way too many people only put their “successes” out there, which creates a very skewed reality. MOST of life is rejection…that is the path to where we want to be.

    It doesn’t matter where you go to school next year–or whether you go at all. All that matters is that you go and do whatever has you heading in the direction of your dreams. My biggest victories have all come right on the heels of my biggest wipe-outs. As a wise person has said, “You will never possess what you are unwilling to pursue.”

    Go, you–you are such a star!

    1. Susan,

      I haven’t commented back, because I don’t know what to say. I should print out your letter, and hang copies of it in the halls of Peabody, so that everyone can see it, read it, and take it all in. Your letter really gave me a different out look, and I appreciate your kind words. This is perhaps the most poignant and understanding letter I have received from anyone, and I really do love what you said. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you so much. You have given me much to think about.

      Jolene

      1. I’m delinquent in getting back to you, Jolene, but I’m so happy to know my post resonated. I wish you wondrous things!! (Right now, I’m gonna take a dose of my own medicine, having just hit the pavement face first with a HUGE rejection of my own…but, heck, I’ve been there, done that before, & nothing’s broken! ;-)) We are going to go make greatness happen….

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