I have learned so much from this last week of auditioning. Everything is swirling round and round in my head. My heart is sad because of the rejections, but, I still have hope for the other letters to come. Already, my friends are getting letters of rejection and acceptance, and, it makes me confused, jealous…but also so happy for them. This is what they wanted, as much as I wanted mine. It’s so important. It’s important to all of us. I’ve also come to the realization that I’m not even sure if I want to go to school again. If I get an acceptance from any of these schools, do I even want to go? Do I want to subject myself to thousands more dollars in loans, contracting myself to a school that comes with a bunch of classes, lessons, and other obligations? What if I just work, practice, and take lessons? I mean, I know 100 people who are doing it right now.
A part of me just wants to pick a city, move to it, and start gigging, studying, and taking lessons with different people. Maybe get some stupid job, doing something useless to me, and then practicing as much as possible, until something comes along, or I can piece together a living.
However, a part of me doesn’t want to look like a big loser. Although, I don’t think anyone who is doing that is a loser, but, I’m most afraid what my family will think. Like I’m throwing away a career teaching so that I can be this lame starving artist.
My family isn’t really the starving artist type. lol
But, I just wonder what the right thing for me is, right now. I mean, when I was like, 16 THIS WAS NOT the life I thought I would have. I mean, I thought I would be a band director right now. lol. Teaching high school music, and living in suburbia. My dreams have changed. And yes, I acknowlege that everyone’s dreams change, and yes, I acknowlege that my dreams changed because I changed, but, I still thought, that my life would be different, and I don’t know why. I guess I thought I was different. Special or something….. lol, such is the life of an only child, perhaps.
But, my head is full of options. I have all these optimistic, if not entirely ideal roads to take. None of them perfect, but, none of them horrible.
I await my fate from each school, and like many before me, and many more after me, I will take control of my life eventually. In the meantime, I’m going to try to catch up on some classes, and get ready for my recital. 🙂
BTW: Thanks to my regular family, my baltimore family, and my twitter family for all the support, guidance, and love you have all given me. I couldn’t have lived through these last three months without you. ❤