WHY do I always have to be so critical? Its like this obsession I have to pick apart all things. Why must I dissect and ferment in my head, until its this rotten mess that won’t go away? I also have this large, and unfettered tendency to read into what people say. Always on the defense. My friend always calls it the newspaper complex, which is a small inside joke between the two of us. It goes something like this:
David: Hey Jolene, is that a newspaper?
Jolene: Um, David, I can read.
lol….trust me, it’s much better in person. Because, this is exactly what I do, all the time. Someone asks a simple question, and I immediately jump to some conclusion that they are attacking my intelligence, talent, etc. On top of that, I’m extremely critical of myself, and this critical tendency begins to extend to other people as well.
Today, not only did I get in a discussion with one person, because I opened my mouth. But TWO discussions, because I can’t shut up, and just let people think what they want to think! And on top of it all, I think I really hurt a terribly great friend, and didn’t even realize it until he walked away from the conversation very angry. My response? Tears, and remorse.
I sometimes forget that feelings get hurt all too easily, and I’ve spent the last couple of weeks hurting people’s feelings for no other reason than not being able to watch what I say. Because I can’t back off, someone close to me feels terrible, and what started out as a lighthearted discussion about music is now being dissected in my head. I feel awful, and I’m very sorry.