No holding back.

Today, I realized that there is nothing keeping me in Baltimore.  Friends are moving on and we are all about to graduate.  The ones I leave behind, I will miss dearly, but there’s nothing more to keep me here at Peabody.  The funny thing is, I’ve been looking for something for months, to keep me here.  Any excuse to stay!  This is not like me at all.  I always have a reason to move on.  I’ve always been, well, pretty fearless when it comes to moving on.

fear.

It echoes in my head, like antiphonal brass in a cathedral.

The funny thing is, I have a place to go!  North Texas is a wonderful school.  The teacher there is great, I’m going to have students, and I’ll have a chance to learn baroque bassoon.  The ensembles are wonderful, and I’ll be close to Dallas.  It’s a great place to meet people.  Yet, I have spent a whole two months finding reasons not to go.  First it was because it wasn’t  Boston, then it was because it was a doctoral program and I wasn’t sure I wanted to do the DMA, and then it was because it was in Texas.  Was I sure I wanted to live in Texas?  Then it was because of my friends, but that hardly made sense….  None of these made sense!  I spent two whole months listing reasons to go/not to go to Texas.  In the end, it came down to “What is holding me back?”  Why is this different than moving all the way across the country to Baltimore?

I’ve decided that it’s wrong of me to look at all the “what-if’s” in my life.  It’s also a disservice to how hard I have worked to be where I am right now.  I have worked really hard to be the person, the academic, and the performer I am right now!  It’s also a disservice to all the people who have cared about me, and supported me through these ridiculous two years.

Well, here goes nothing!  Texas or Bust!

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One thought on “No holding back.

  1. I’m sure you’ll do great there! And the Metroplex is a happening place! Also, very cool about both the teaching and baroque bassoon opportunities! Good luck!!

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