Institutionalized

I feel like I’ve been looking at the same terrible white walls in the same classrooms/rehearsal halls for the past 10 years of my life.  In fact, I may have been looking at the same terrible white walls my whole life.

I realized today that tomorrow I will perform my 17th jury.  Seven.  Teen.  17!

How did I get here?  I feel so overwhelmingly institutionalized.  Like an insane asylum with really good music.  Like minimum security prison with an eclectic daily soundtrack.

I keep wondering how I’ll do on the outside….when they let me out.  When I’m paroled for good behavior. I keep thinking I should take a year off, but I wouldn’t do anything good with it.  I would just end up working retail full time, and missing my friends.

I’m not sure what to do with myself.  I feel like change should be coming.  I’m itching for it in a big way.  The wander lust in me is telling me just to say to hell with everything and move on.  Move away.  Just move.

What do we do with these thoughts?  As a student…as a musician… as a person with ties and a sense of duty to finish what she started? If it was just me, it would be different.  I’m not even sure I would hesitate.  But it’s not just me anymore.  It’s cats, and significant others and degrees to be earned or thrown away ( not exactly in that order). It’s commitments I made to myself, my teacher, and the people who believed in me.

Maybe I’m just feeling marginalized.  UNT can really make you feel like a little cog in a big machine. I have to have faith that something’s coming, but I’m losing my religion (sorry…bad pun).

Anyone else out there feel this way?

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