So, if all goes as planned, my doctorate will be finished in one more year. Literally. Like, document, recitals, the whole thing.
What am I gonna do?
I don’t know.
I thought about trying for a Fulbright. But I feel like I’m not ready/good enough for it.
What if I get a teaching job?
What if I don’t?
I’ve always had a mission….the next school, the next degree, the next teacher. But now its terminal. I’m done. I’ll be responsible for just me. No one else will be listening to me but me. I won’t have anyone telling me what to do, what to practice, what to produce but me. That’s really hard.
I’ve literally never been without a teacher. As a little girl, I had piano lessons. Then bassoon lessons. And for the past ten years of my life it’s been professors, advisers, and applied teachers.
I’ve never even lived in the same apartment for more than a year.
I’m not complaining. It has been amazing. Like, truly incredible. I’ve had incredible teachers. Amazing people that have inspired me to think outside the box. Chuck Hansen was the most grounding thing in my life for a very long time. And Mr. Kolker taught me how to make a plan in my playing. Always. Ms. Reynolds has given me the room to breathe in a way that I had never had before. She lets me play my crazy music, but still makes me play the standards like a pro, and never gives in to my protestations. I’ve played more etudes in her office than I’ve ever played in my life. And I’m a believer (just don’t tell her that)!
I’ve had even more incredible colleagues. I just look at the my friends on facebook and all the amazing things they are doing, and have done. I don’t even know how to measure up to these people. Wonderful composers complaining about not being famous yet. Amazing performers playing in orchestras. Lovely teachers and professors that talk about their students like they are their own children.
But now all this….this ginormous 10 year chapter of my life….its coming to an end.
What am I gonna do?
Things could always change.
Its exciting, and crazy. Mind-blowing, even.
But holy moly…..what am I gonna do? lol
How am I going to stand out? How am I going to make my mark? How am I going to make things happen for me? My life? How am I going to make my mark?
Because isn’t that really the purpose?
Isn’t that why we play music?
To advance the art? Make a mark? Make things happen? Give people a piece of you?
We will see…..